I Make Theater is MOVING!

Hi Friends!

Long time, no post. 2016 was a rough year for a lot of folks. so I will spare the details.
(# Can anyone find any info on a weird moon eclipse or something that made 2016 extremely disparaging???)

I am here to announce that I am moving my blog to its new home: on my Actor Website!!!!

I am very excited about this folks. I have been working hard the last month to make this happen, and am very excited for it to go live.

You will find my blog, art-making, and general required promotional content all at

www.francescapiccioni.com

BUT WAIT! Don't click that yet. It's definitely NOT live yet. Check my Facebook for an official announcement of when it goes live which, if all goes well, should be sometime this weekend.

Until then, here's hoping your 2017 will be Merry and Bright!

I Am Not My Anxiety

In honor of fall. In honor of, "it's been awhile Blogger.com". In honor of getting asked a thousand times over tomorrow night, "What Are You Working On".

This month marks my one-year of doing therapy at MLC Wellness Center and I am very proud and grateful that I was able to begin that work for myself last year. I am personally invested in sharing my experience and being transparent about being an artist, living with anxiety, and relating to people like me who have setbacks in their careers.

Anxiety has kept me away from this blog, as well as threw my otherwise perfectly restful day for a whirlwind this afternoon. I still have a lot of work ahead of me. But despite my minor setbacks today, in general I am very proud of myself for the last two weeks. I've really stepped up and have gone out to some EPA's, submitted a bunch, and am navigating freelancing quite adequately.  I have some ideas for some upcoming pieces in the weeks to come, so please check back soon.

For now, a rare opportunity to share with you a poem I started several months ago, and fell back into today. Be kind to me. I am no poet. Just an emotionally anxious soul with a lot to say.

Cheers,

Francesca

I refuse to be ashamed.

I want to say, No. I am not my anxiety. 

But I am surrounded. 

Feelings, thoughts, what ifs, why nots, how comes.

They are endless. 

I dream of success.

Not like everyone else (but exactly like everyone else).

Failure consumes me.

I could absolutely, positively, most definitely never 

Make it.

I never really feel better.

I want to say, I am growing.
But days like today tell me I am not.

I am measured by time, action, emotion, people -

On Facebook,
In waiting rooms, mirrors,
At parties,
and to anyone and everyone that has something good to say about themselves.

I am not my Anxiety.

But I will never deny that it is there.
I will claim it now even if I don't believe it,
so that one day I can wear it like a badge across my chest.
Brave, irrevocable, perhaps even proudly.

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

Well, I have received yet another rejection.

And I have to say friends, I am feeling pretty down and out. The last year and a half has yielded very little artistic jobs for me, despite the many auditions, networking, and dayjobs I have forgone. I have been extremely frustrated, subsequently putting unnecessary pressure on myself, which has caused nothing but self-loathing, and depression.

It sucks to be told that you are talented, or admired and only be cast maybe once a year,

Or to finally be cast in something that turns out to be a hot mess until it becomes stressful and dreaded.

Or go on a ton of auditions, but never get called in, or respectfully rejected, or acknowledged,

Or to meet someone for the fifth time in a row, because the never remember who you are.

I know I am not the only one that could possibly experience all or some of these feelings. While these are the inevitable things that sometimes feel enhanced during a season of rejection,  no one prepares you for what to do when you have done your best. when you are doing good work, and still not getting cast.

Since I'm still figuring that out, I thought I'd include you in on the conversation.

THE CIRCUMSTANCES

We are surrounded by infamous questions, "What are you working on?" "Have anything coming up?" "What's next?" from our friends and loved ones who are also our colleagues and competitors. SO of course we answer them, because they are our friends, but God do we dread them, because WTF are we supposed to say to them [when we are not working]?

Talk about anxiety... Yet I am guilty for asking them. We all are! Because our lives and our work are so closely knit, it feels personal, but really, it's our job to go on auditions. That's it. Our job is to be the best version of ourselves every time we go into the room, schmooze at opening night parties, and when we finally book a gig, work in a production setting. There's nothing that should feel personal about it. (No pressure.)

We should absolutely separate the two, and while we are personally invested in our careers, at the end of the day, allow ourselves to let go and care for ourselves as people. 

THE FRIENDS/COLLEAGUES/ACTORS WHO ARE ACTUALLY WORKING

We all have them: friends, partners, mentors that have this laundry list of opportunities chasing behind them. We appreciate them, we love them, but their advice can feel empty and hard to apply. (I.E. [Insert motivational speeches]: "We are all on our own journey," and "Don't compare yourself to others.")

 I have been following this awesome actor, Lee Edward Colston II, (Side Note: You should definitely check him out! I secretly admire him from afar because I am nerd who gets nervous around awesome people) who has an incredibly inspiring story and mostly writes to encourage young actors to keep going. My partner always sends me the link to his articles, and they are undoubtedly inspiring, but ultimately, he is speaking from a place of success, and that can be hard to relate to.

I am certainly not ungrateful for conversations and publications that speak to encourage us. I would be deduced to a wet puddle without them. But, I have to say, it's hard to take in, right? As someone who is not speaking from a place of "success," I'm here to say, I feel you. But don't turn a discouraged eye. Keep reading and talking to those people. Even if it doesn't stick.

We should always surround ourselves with positive people and words, and seek to adopt their philosophies, because we absolutely deserve to be encouraged and loved.

THE SOLUTION

I wish I had one, but the truth is, I definitely haven't figured it out yet. I think it's important that we acknowledge and appreciate failure, disappointment, sadness, and all the things that come with pursuing what you want and not feeling like you are where you need to be. A good friend has told me that being upset, being passionate shows that you care about what you're doing. So, while you are absolutely justified in being pissed off,  and unsatisfied, for the life of you, don't give up.

The only thing I'm sure of: I'm sure as hell not giving up.  

Women Talk Gender Inequality

You're Invited!

I would like to invite all women/female-identifying people to join me for an open forum on sexism and what it means to be woman in America. I am looking to collect as many stories as I can to aid me in developing a piece for SoLow Fest 2016 that will reflect the subtleties and nuances of sexism today. 

Here's 3 ways you can get involved!

1. If you'd like to join the conversation in person, please fill out this schedule doodle with your availability in March. A date will be confirmed by the first week of March, and published on my Facebook and blog pages.


2. If you'd like to remain anonymous or can't attend the in-person date once it's announced, but would like to participate, please fill out this Google Form that has all of the questions we will be discussing.


3. If you know of someone who would be interested in participating, please share this email with them, or bring them with you to the event!

I am really hoping to have a diverse group of women represented through this dialogue. I also want to take advantage of this opportunity to celebrate and facilitate new connections.

If this event is successful, I would definitely consider hosting Gender Talks in the future.

I really appreciate your time and responses! Let me know if you have any questions, and hopefully I will see you all next month.

Non-Equity Survival Guide II: New York EPAs

Amidst a part-time work schedule, some upcoming teaching work, and a show downtown, I managed to finagle getting up to an EPA in NYC last Friday. I was stoked; I was auditioning with Angelo from Measure for Measure for an all-female Taming of the Shrew. I bought my bus ticket, carefully selected my business caz outfit, and reviewed my, "How To Survive EPAs," blog post. I was pumped.

I took the Megabus into Manhattan at 6:30am and arrived to Chelesea Studios just before 9am. I was as ready as I could be.....

Except I wasn't.

I walked into an average-sized rehearsal studio filled with women of all ages in some sort of arrangement that I couldn't quite figure out. Immediately, I was sized up, stared at, and judged. It was very uncomfortable, but absolutely typical. I'm sure these folks do this multiple times a week, and generally know who gets there early, and who to expect, etc., etc. They smelled my newness, and scowled at my whimsical smile and general enthusiasm.

"There's a line," one girl coyly informed me. Apparently where I was standing to get my bearings was right next to the "first" person in line. A line for what you ask? To sign up onto the list. Yeah, the sign-up list wasn't even out yet. I politely thanked her, and moved my stuff to the "end" of said "line". Women wrapped around the outside of the room, and I noticed now that I added myself to a somewhat neat row that made up four rows of women in the center of the room.

Don't worry. I was perfectly fine. Unfortunately, I quickly understood that this is how it goes. Sadly, that cutthroat, cold nature can be found almost anywhere that a room full of women exists. If you survived middle school, EPAs are no different. Besides, I felt good about my material, and myself! (Which is a mini-victory to be celebrated.) I did realize, however, in a room full of fifty people, that my chances of getting seen before lunch were slim to none.

"What time did you get here this morning?" I asked a middle aged woman who was in her own line. She told me she had gotten there just before 8am. I wasn't sure where her place in the line was, but after our brief conversation I guessed that the girls who were among the firsts, sitting calmly and confidently with their headphones and books, had to have arrived before 7am.

In short, I bailed. I had to leave by 4:00pm to be back in the city for my show. There was no way this waiting game would pay off.

I was a mixed bag of feelings - happy that I didn't have to sit in a room full of negative nancy's, and disappointed that I didn't see this coming. There were big underlying things that I should have known, 1.) Get there super early because ALL-FEMALE casting and competition, and 2.) be prepared to wait all day because New York.

 Luckily, my travel companion helped ease my regret by letting me in on a really handy EPA update site: www.auditionupdate.com. Check this out! We spent a lovely day adventuring around, meanwhile checking in on this website that allows actors waiting to be seen to post updates on how the audition is going. On our way home, we eventually learned that they weren't seeing non-equity until 3:30pm - so I wouldn't have been seen regardless.

We had a fun, exhausting day, and though I didn't get to do Angelo, I learned a lot about what to expect for next time. I can't say that I will be up there again anytime soon. Instead, I am scanning Theatre Alliance like a mad person, and have my own show in the works for SoLow Fest in June (but more about that coming your way SOON!)

I am most happy though, that my spirits were high, and for the first time, I didn't turn away an audition because of fear, but because of practicality. I will write it off as a success in my book.

:) :) ;) ;)

Non-Equity Survival Guide: How To Survive EPAs

Are you a non-equity actor? With no EMC points and a college degree? Well, girl oh boy, you are IN LUCK because so am I! Thanks to the "New Year/New You" mantra, I'm hoping I can help encourage you to get out to more auditions this season.

I went to my first EPA of the year a couple of weeks ago, and I actually got seen! While that is not always the case, I was determined to stay positive and calm and make the audition about ME and not about what it was for. Now trust me, that is not always the case for this anxiety-ridden pixie. Nothing is more nerve-racking then walking into a narrow, tight waiting area with 20+ nervous and attractive people. Let's be clear, EPAs for a non-equity actor (with no EMC points) seriously BLOWS. It sucks. But you absolutely CANNOT let that throw you. Here are my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth, about how to make those EPAs work for you.

1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF IT.

 When deciding whether or not to go to an EPA, what monologue to do, and what time to go, first set a goal. Do you really like this company and want to get seen? Do you just need audition practice? Are you hoping to get cast? Sussing out your expectations for the audition and then being realistic about what you have control over will help you muddle through the anxiety and the nerves of waiting to be seen. And there is NO WRONG ANSWER. Every audition is a valuable experience. If acting is your career, auditioning is one skill you will always utilize.

 Obviously, every EPA experience will be different. So, if you are really wanting to make an impression, talk to people who know the company, and do your research. If you know you will have a good shot of getting seen, then go. The best thing about EPAs is you literally have nothing to lose. If you do well, awesome! If you don't or find a piece isn't working, that's awesome too because they 1.) won't remember and hold it against you, and 2.) the experience gives you practice and information to make your audition better for the next thing. 

2. DO THE THING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. 

Confidence is everything when you walk in the room. Even when you are restricted to a certain genre, or style, do the piece that excites you, and that when put under a little pressure, is easy to access emotionally. Show them the thing that you do best. What will be impressive, especially in a big audition pool, is that you perform confidently and hit all the marks in the piece. This may take a few auditions, and a lot of pieces to find the ones that work for you. Don't underestimate the simple piece that you do well - get in there, and show off! And when you say, "thank you," let that subtext be, "you're welcome."

3. BRING SNACKS.

Don't ever assume that you will be in and out. Even if you show up 45 minutes before to get on that list, the second an Equity actor rolls in, you are pushed behind again. Don't sweat it! Just be prepared to sit. And don't just bring snacks, bring your music, an extra charger, your coloring book, anything that will keep you chill. Pamper and comfort yourself. Splurge on that Whole Foods trail mix.

4. BUDDY UP. 

I don't know what the NYC EPA scene is like, but when you are in Philly, you always see 20 people you know. Depending on your personality, it can help or hurt. Some people need to stay in there own lane, BUT I will say, if you can have an EPA Buddy who matches you in personality and energy, it can be a great comfort that will distract you from the "what ifs" and the "I'm not good enoughs." Just having someone there with you to mutually cheer on, encourage, and to goof off with will make your sitting time go way faster! Plus, if you DON'T want to socialize with a million people, they can be your buffer.

5. CELEBRATE THAT YOU DID IT. 

Whether or not you felt your audition was "good," celebrate. When you leave that room, even though you were in there for less than 2 minutes, celebrate. YOU DID IT. Remember that this is a horrible, sickening thing they make actors do. You show up early in the morning with NO PROMISE of being seen, you wait for hours on a list of 30+ people, when you are getting close, 5 Equity actors roll in and 2 EMC people and they ALL have to be seen ahead of you, and when you finally get in the room, you have to be 100% impressive and stand out in less than 2 minutes. C'mon. If that isn't a mini victory for an actor, then I don't know what is. (Seriously, you gotta take them where you can get them!) 

I hope this helps you as much as it did me. I also have to give a shoutout to my guy Brandon, and my EPA Buddy Arlen for being my cheerleaders and for giving me some inspiration for this piece. 

GO GET 'EM!

Jesus Is My Helmet

"To worry is to insult God's character."

I wasn't ready for the sermon on worry and anxiety Sunday morning. I gripped my fleetingly warm Styrofoam cup of tea, my brain as frigid as my fingertips. After a colder than average morning, a roughly 5-mile bike ride, and a very anxious, self-loathing few months, to say I merely wasn't ready for this word is an understatement. 

Defensively, I began typing up notes. Things like,

Look up Anxiety Disorder.

What if worrying is out of my control?

Most people don't choose to be anxious.

I was upset, slighted, embarrassed. I have been struggling with anxiety for the better part of my life and only recently decided to seek counseling for it. By no means did I choose to indulge in anxiety over God's will. For me, choosing to follow Jesus has made my life, fuller, richer, and purposeful, but I could see that maybe I wasn't trusting in Him as much as I ought to with things going on in my life.

As artists, we all need that thing that grounds us and fills us up when we are let down, or lacking creative inspiration. Like yoga, painting, or running, whatever you do in the moments between rejection, failure, and unemployment to keep you going is vital to your human experience. For me, it's Jesus.

By the end of the sermon, I loosened up. This was the first instance in 3.5 years of attending this church that I was quick to be so negative as what the pastor was speaking to.  With that in mind, I took my broken state of being to the church lobby where fellowship and joy greeted me like a warm hug. I met a friend that I hadn't seen in several months. We began catching up, and in conversation I began to relate when I feel the most connected with God. Have you ever had words come out of your mouth that just made you go, Ohhh yeahhhhh!

Her name is Birra, and she is my bike. About 4 years I have been biking in this city without any collisions or accidents. It is one of the only times during my day that I am peaceful and focused. Usually, I pray while I'm biking for safety and sometimes I even sing. Without even realizing it, I had one constant practice where I put my life and complete trust in God's hands. Yes, I am operating the bike, but I can't control the traffic around me. I ultimately have no control over whether or not I get killed. I enjoy biking so much, and have complete trust in God, that I bike without fear, or worry, so that even when I am just commuting, I am having a grand old time. 

What if we chose to live without fear as artists? To walk in an audition room and celebrate how you interpret language and movement. To make a gallery out of your living room and invite people to see your work. To submit portfolios and manuscripts to companies and publishers with confidence and pride. I know, it's always easy to hear and harder to put into practice.

But sometimes I think it's even easier to forget that we LOVE being artists, especially in those seasons of unemployment and rejection. So much of it can be painful and emotional. We have to remember to find the practice of self-love, and trust that what we are doing is vital and necessary. We will never be able to control the other side of the table, but what we can do is love ourselves regardless. 

I have charged myself to create. Actors spend a lot of time creating for other people, and I am encouraging myself to create a body of work that brings me joy and is important to me. I am challenging myself by writing, by ordering hand puppet eyes off the internet to teach myself puppetry, and by composing a clown piece. The anxiety is still all there, but my perspective is enlightened. 

Go forth and be creative! I'd love to see what you like to make.