"To worry is to insult God's character."
I wasn't ready for the sermon on worry and anxiety Sunday morning. I gripped my fleetingly warm Styrofoam cup of tea, my brain as frigid as my fingertips. After a colder than average morning, a roughly 5-mile bike ride, and a very anxious, self-loathing few months, to say I merely wasn't ready for this word is an understatement.
Defensively, I began typing up notes. Things like,
Look up Anxiety Disorder.
What if worrying is out of my control?
Most people don't choose to be anxious.
I was upset, slighted, embarrassed. I have been struggling with anxiety for the better part of my life and only recently decided to seek counseling for it. By no means did I choose to indulge in anxiety over God's will. For me, choosing to follow Jesus has made my life, fuller, richer, and purposeful, but I could see that maybe I wasn't trusting in Him as much as I ought to with things going on in my life.
As artists, we all need that thing that grounds us and fills us up when we are let down, or lacking creative inspiration. Like yoga, painting, or running, whatever you do in the moments between rejection, failure, and unemployment to keep you going is vital to your human experience. For me, it's Jesus.
By the end of the sermon, I loosened up. This was the first instance in 3.5 years of attending this church that I was quick to be so negative as what the pastor was speaking to. With that in mind, I took my broken state of being to the church lobby where fellowship and joy greeted me like a warm hug. I met a friend that I hadn't seen in several months. We began catching up, and in conversation I began to relate when I feel the most connected with God. Have you ever had words come out of your mouth that just made you go, Ohhh yeahhhhh!
Her name is Birra, and she is my bike. About 4 years I have been biking in this city without any collisions or accidents. It is one of the only times during my day that I am peaceful and focused. Usually, I pray while I'm biking for safety and sometimes I even sing. Without even realizing it, I had one constant practice where I put my life and complete trust in God's hands. Yes, I am operating the bike, but I can't control the traffic around me. I ultimately have no control over whether or not I get killed. I enjoy biking so much, and have complete trust in God, that I bike without fear, or worry, so that even when I am just commuting, I am having a grand old time.
What if we chose to live without fear as artists? To walk in an audition room and celebrate how you interpret language and movement. To make a gallery out of your living room and invite people to see your work. To submit portfolios and manuscripts to companies and publishers with confidence and pride. I know, it's always easy to hear and harder to put into practice.
But sometimes I think it's even easier to forget that we LOVE being artists, especially in those seasons of unemployment and rejection. So much of it can be painful and emotional. We have to remember to find the practice of self-love, and trust that what we are doing is vital and necessary. We will never be able to control the other side of the table, but what we can do is love ourselves regardless.
I have charged myself to create. Actors spend a lot of time creating for other people, and I am encouraging myself to create a body of work that brings me joy and is important to me. I am challenging myself by writing, by ordering hand puppet eyes off the internet to teach myself puppetry, and by composing a clown piece. The anxiety is still all there, but my perspective is enlightened.
Go forth and be creative! I'd love to see what you like to make.
