When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

Well, I have received yet another rejection.

And I have to say friends, I am feeling pretty down and out. The last year and a half has yielded very little artistic jobs for me, despite the many auditions, networking, and dayjobs I have forgone. I have been extremely frustrated, subsequently putting unnecessary pressure on myself, which has caused nothing but self-loathing, and depression.

It sucks to be told that you are talented, or admired and only be cast maybe once a year,

Or to finally be cast in something that turns out to be a hot mess until it becomes stressful and dreaded.

Or go on a ton of auditions, but never get called in, or respectfully rejected, or acknowledged,

Or to meet someone for the fifth time in a row, because the never remember who you are.

I know I am not the only one that could possibly experience all or some of these feelings. While these are the inevitable things that sometimes feel enhanced during a season of rejection,  no one prepares you for what to do when you have done your best. when you are doing good work, and still not getting cast.

Since I'm still figuring that out, I thought I'd include you in on the conversation.

THE CIRCUMSTANCES

We are surrounded by infamous questions, "What are you working on?" "Have anything coming up?" "What's next?" from our friends and loved ones who are also our colleagues and competitors. SO of course we answer them, because they are our friends, but God do we dread them, because WTF are we supposed to say to them [when we are not working]?

Talk about anxiety... Yet I am guilty for asking them. We all are! Because our lives and our work are so closely knit, it feels personal, but really, it's our job to go on auditions. That's it. Our job is to be the best version of ourselves every time we go into the room, schmooze at opening night parties, and when we finally book a gig, work in a production setting. There's nothing that should feel personal about it. (No pressure.)

We should absolutely separate the two, and while we are personally invested in our careers, at the end of the day, allow ourselves to let go and care for ourselves as people. 

THE FRIENDS/COLLEAGUES/ACTORS WHO ARE ACTUALLY WORKING

We all have them: friends, partners, mentors that have this laundry list of opportunities chasing behind them. We appreciate them, we love them, but their advice can feel empty and hard to apply. (I.E. [Insert motivational speeches]: "We are all on our own journey," and "Don't compare yourself to others.")

 I have been following this awesome actor, Lee Edward Colston II, (Side Note: You should definitely check him out! I secretly admire him from afar because I am nerd who gets nervous around awesome people) who has an incredibly inspiring story and mostly writes to encourage young actors to keep going. My partner always sends me the link to his articles, and they are undoubtedly inspiring, but ultimately, he is speaking from a place of success, and that can be hard to relate to.

I am certainly not ungrateful for conversations and publications that speak to encourage us. I would be deduced to a wet puddle without them. But, I have to say, it's hard to take in, right? As someone who is not speaking from a place of "success," I'm here to say, I feel you. But don't turn a discouraged eye. Keep reading and talking to those people. Even if it doesn't stick.

We should always surround ourselves with positive people and words, and seek to adopt their philosophies, because we absolutely deserve to be encouraged and loved.

THE SOLUTION

I wish I had one, but the truth is, I definitely haven't figured it out yet. I think it's important that we acknowledge and appreciate failure, disappointment, sadness, and all the things that come with pursuing what you want and not feeling like you are where you need to be. A good friend has told me that being upset, being passionate shows that you care about what you're doing. So, while you are absolutely justified in being pissed off,  and unsatisfied, for the life of you, don't give up.

The only thing I'm sure of: I'm sure as hell not giving up.